When To Have Sex For The First Time In A New Relationship?

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Popular answer: "Whenever you want!"

Coach’s answer: "It depends"

It depends on:

  • What sex (*) means to you and what effect having sex with a new partner has on your Mind, Body, Heart and Spirit.
  • What kind of relationship you are hoping to build with your new partner.

(*) Note: What I mean by sex is all the activities that involve sexual pleasure for one or both partners. If sex means intercourse for most people, it’s helpful to realize that intercourse is far from being the only way to share an intimate sexual relationship. After all, there is a decent number of relationships out there that don’t involve any penis at all : )

So yes, even if you're the kind of person for whom sex simply means sharing a pleasurable activity with little emotional or spiritual repercussion, starting a sexual relationship with a new partner will nevertheless have profound effects on your energy system at the Mind, Body, Heart and Spirit levels, and the timing of when you start having sex might affect what kind of relationship you'll be able to build.

There is of course no strict cause and effect between when you start having sex and the outcome of your new relationship. Some people develop a happy and healthy relationship out of a one-night stand and some people who get married after three weeks of passionate dating make it to their 50th anniversary.

But that's rare.

When the sexual aspect of the relationship starts before a genuine emotional connection is developed between partners, it energetically (and sometimes literally) communicates to your own self and to the other person a message of transience. Once the novelty and chemistry wear off, there is nothing real and solid to keep sexual partners interested in one another and the relationship is at risk of fizzling quickly.

On the other hand, when the emotional and sexual connections develop together fast, but without assessing compatibility and ability to make a commitment, sex has a knack to make a relationship that has little chance to work long-term last way past its expiration date. And this is not good if you're looking to build a life-long relationship. When you are hoping to find your special someone to spend the rest of your life with, the last thing you need is being stuck in a sexual relationship with someone you are not going to be with in the long-term because of built-in road blocks that you could have identified early on.

Additionally, sexual pleasure bonds people (especially women, and some men too) more intensely to their partner. It’s actually one of the great roles of sex in a happy, healthy and long-term relationship – acting as an energetic bonding agent between partners, in addition to the other elements of the relationship.

Do not underestimate the power of your hormones and neurotransmitters that have evolved to make us make lot of babies!

Having sex early on in a new relationship, before you know your partner well, could contribute to making you feel close to - or even make you feel like you're falling in love - with someone who might otherwise not be compatible with you, not able to commit to you or even who does not treat you with the respect you deserve. Finding yourself in such predicament will drag out the inevitable ending of a relationship that is not meant to be and make the break up much more painful than necessary, because you will feel more bonded, more in love, and more confused than if you had ended the relationship before getting to third base.

This being said, it's not always just sex that create this bonding effect, but the domestic intimacy that comes with having sex. People who have a sexual relationship are more likely to spend the night together, do "couple-ly" things, and just spend more and more time together. Obviously this is a important stage for the relationship to go through at some point when you are looking for a spouse or long-term partner, but it should not take place before making a basic compatibility assessment, getting a good sense of each other’s commitment's ability and quality of character. And having decided to be exclusive.

If you are looking for a long-term partner, why would you share the most imtimate aspects of your being, your home and your life with someone who would not commit to being with you until next week?

For all these reasons I’m inviting you to be mindful of when you choose to start the sexual aspect of your relationship, even if you think that it does not matter much to you. It's about staying emotionally and physically safe, keeping your head clear, and taking your time to decide how you're going to invest your most precious energy.

If you're looking for your future spouse and the parent of your children, you must first focus on creating an emotional bond, on getting to know one another’s values and character, and on making sure you have some basic level of compatibility and commitment.

Allow your prospective partner to finish dating all the other people that might distract them before starting to be sexual. Once you know that your relationship stands a chance, you can open your relationship up to the great joy of sexual pleasure and deeper bonding through physical intimacy, and continue to get to know one another in more profound ways.

And by the way, this preliminary process does not need to take a long time. More than three dates but less than three years : )

In summary, starting to have sex too soon in a new relationship could either lead to the unnecessary ending of a relationship that could have lasted had you developed a bit more emotional connection before sex, or conversely it could keep you stuck in a relationship that does not have what it takes to be truly fulfilling in the long-term.

Avoid these pitfalls by first establishing a solid foundation of basic emotional connection, compatibility and exclusivity. As an added bonus, sex will feel safer and more fulfilling!