There are few articles on dating more frustrating for a realistic Dating and Relationship coach than those dramatic calls for women to look for a “warrior” who will “fight” for them through “fires”, admire their “perfect goddess qualities” and romance them non-stop like it’s their full time job.
Such poetic encouragements keep the myth alive that 1. Dating is a meritocracy (“I deserve…”) and 2. Relationships require superheroes (“I am a Goddess and I need a Warrior”)
The underlying message is that we should stay single until we find that Warrior (scratch that, until he finds us and “fights” for us), because nothing else is worth our incredible Goddess-like perfection.
Don’t get me wrong, such writings are usually beautifully written and connect us to something true - our inner Goddess. They activate pleasant feelings of excitement and empowerment and that's why they work. We read them, we think “Damn right!” and we share them on social media and perpetuate the myth that we deserve a "warrior". And since once in a while, someone we know seems to be getting into such relationship where their partner admires them and romances them full-time, it really looks like we should hold off until a Warrior makes it his purpose to "fight" for our love.
Let’s dispel the myth, ok?
First off, dating is not a meritocracy. Personal accomplishments do not make anyone “deserve” a more special partner, Warrior or else. However like attracts (and retains) like: the ability to be present, listen well, be appreciative, apologize when wrong or unfair and in general do one’s best attracts and retains just the same. These qualities are not sexy; they don’t evoke the myth of the Warrior and the Goddess since they're not about fights, fire, glamour and romance, but they certainly lead to fantastic relationships.
Let’s indeed go ask the relationship experts – the people who have been happily married for 30+ years – how they relate to one another. The words “deserve”, “warrior”, “goddess”, “fight”, “fire” won’t be part of their vocabulary. What you are going to hear them mention is “respect”, “sorry”, “thank you”, “agree to disagree”, “accept”, etc.
Happy, healthy and long-lasting relationships are made of imperfect people who are doing a consistent effort at improving their way of being together imperfectly.
They get up in the morning and respect and love their partner regardless of specific circumstances. If that’s being a warrior or a goddess, then let’s use the dramatic terminology and metaphors just for fun. But using these loaded words implies a level of intensity and that’s not relevant to how happy and healthy relationships actually work long-term.
Intensity and drama can actually correlate with narcissism and co-dependency, so let's be careful if someone starts worshipping us when they don't even know us that well.
When dating, we must resist the influence of rom coms and drama-loaded articles shared on social media. Instead of dreaming for a Warrior, let’s go have coffee with regular Joes and Janes and discover what’s in their hearts. Let’s find out if they strive to function from their Higher Self more than from their limited personality. Let’s see if they can find joy with us in the mundane of life.
The ego wants to be worshipped. The Higher Self wants to love.